I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
