he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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