I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
