I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
