The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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