last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
This toilet bowl is my home.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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