Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
