Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
