Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
