Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
