He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
