To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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