I have demons in me.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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