Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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