i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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