Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
