Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
