i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
