im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Randomize
