I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
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