I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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