Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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