Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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