dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
