Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
