covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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