Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i was born a porn star she said
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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