I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
