it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
