its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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