yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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