Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
