Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize