The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
