You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
