he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
