just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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