someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
