You can't motorboat a personality
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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