My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
