the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Buhtt sex?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
