He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
True college students do jello shots in the library
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
