good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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