you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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