well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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