i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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