I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
