She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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