An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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