Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
