i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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