last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
