last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
