I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
