weddingsv make me drug and hornr
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
