My room smells like vodka and shame
Your tits are I can't wait for
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
