farters have to be the big spoon...
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
