I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
