I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Randomize
