i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
